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The Three Musketeers and… Charlie Sheen?

April 25, 2011
Cover scan of a Classics Comics book

Brave! Loyal! Courageous! All qualities we associate with Charlie Sheen. I guess that's why we call them actors. Image via Wikipedia

THE “YOU’RE LUCKY YOU’RE FROM FRANCE” AWARD GOES TO… 

Alexandre Dumas!  

Yes, Alexandre Dumas, you wrote one of the best novels of all time, and all we dysfunctional literates can do is mock your last name.  Here’s proof that if your last name is Dumas, you’d better be from France and not the United States.  

Alexandre Dumas, photo by Nadar.

Alexandre Dumas. I apologize for making fun of your name. Only a dumas (American pronunciation) would do that. Image via Wikipedia

PRONUNCIATION GAME 

Read each sentence below this paragraph twice.  The first time, pronounce Dumas properly (Doo-mahs), and the second time, pronounce Dumas the American way (dumb-you know what)).  How does the meaning in each sentence change? 

The Three Musketeers is the best book that Dumas ever wrote. 

Can we agree that Dumas is one of the best French authors ever? 

I’m not surprised that Dumas is French. 

Yeah, that gets old pretty quickly. 

 

WHY ARE THEY CALLED MUSKETEERS IF THEY SWORDFIGHT SO MUCH? 

If I remember correctly, the musketeers do use their muskets a few times in the novel.  However, swords were more effective for close range fighting, and frankly, a swordfight is more exciting to film for a movie than a bunch of guys firing muskets, missing, taking 30 seconds to reload, firing, missing, taking 30 seconds to reload, firing, missing, then saying, ‘Screw it (in French),” and grabbing their swords. 

SPEAKING OF MOVIES…LAZY RESEARCH ALERT! 

Which cinematic version of The Three Musketeers is the best one? 

The Gene Kelly version has the best action sequences (and awesome color, as well)!! 

The Three Musketeers/Four Musketeers movies from the 1970’s had the best acting.  Plus, Raquel Welch as Constance … OMG!  OMG!  OMG!  Yeah, OMG is pretty juvenile, but seeing Raquel Welch as Constance can make a grown man say OMG!  Yes, Constance, you must have clean legs when visiting the Queen. 

In the 1993 Disney version of The Three Musketeers, Charlie Sheen was a musketeer.  Yes, Charlie Sheen was a musketeer.  One more time,  Charlie Sheen was a musketeer.  In fact, he was one of several American musketeers (none of which really even tried to act) in what is probably the WORST THREE MUSKETEERS MOVIE EVER! 

Since there were so many American musketeers in this movie, and the plot was nothing like that of the novel (Yes, that matters.  The Three Musketeers is a great book!), it is fair to use the American pronunciation of Dumas when saying, “That 1993 version of The Three Musketeers was one Dumas movie!” 

CHARLIE SHEEN’S NEW GAME SHOW 

Speaking of Charlie Sheen… (No, this story isn’t true.) 

After a few months of being booed off of various stages in major cities across the country, Charlie Sheen starts fading from the public view, and his cash flow starts disappearing.  Needing a new gig, Sheen takes on a new game show, and it’s called “Winning, with Charlie Sheen.” 

A troll contestant, almost always one of Sheen’s hangers-on who tells Sheen how brilliant he is, competes with Charlie Sheen, answering a bunch of trivia questions, and the winner gets a date with a porn star of the winner’s choice.  The problem is that Charlie Sheen wants to win every game, and it soon becomes apparent that the producers are feeding Sheen the questions (or answers) ahead of time.  When this becomes obvious, ratings plummet, and a quick fix has to be made. 

The host intentionally gives Charlie Sheen the wrong questions (or answers) before the taping, and then begins the show.  After a few minutes, it’s apparent that “Winning” actually has a competition going on.  The problem is that the troll contestant is just as smart as Sheen, so neither of them are getting the answers right. 

“What’s the distance between the earth and the moon?” the host asks. 

“Too far to drive,” Sheen answers, wiping his hair back in exasperation. 

“A few thousand miles, at least,” the troll says, getting desperate because he really wants a date with a porn star. 

“What’s the capital of Washington?” 

 “W,” says the contestant.

 “It’s a trick question,” Sheen proudly answers.  “Washington is a district, not a state, and doesn’t have a capitol.” 

 “If you multiply 15 times 5,000, what do you have?” 

 Both contestants try to figure the math in their heads, but both come up with the wrong answer. 

Time is almost up, and one of the contestants needs to get an answer right so that the show can end.  So the host attempts to frame the question in a context that Charlie Sheen can understand. 

“If you have 15 porn stars,” he says slowly, reframing the previous math question, “and you pay each one $5,000 to spend the night with you,” he continues with the math problem, “what do you have?”

Charlie Sheen’s eyes light up.  “A really great deal!”

One Comment
  1. We followed a similar path in literature, I guess. I read THE THREE MUSKETEERS when I was about 11 or 12 years old (living in Los Angeles area before I started my high school migration across the United States). I thought it was a wonderful book. That’s how I learned what little I know of French history.

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