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Best Tasteless Jokes Ever!

May 24, 2012
English: Angry woman.

Uh, if you’re that offended by my tasteless jokes, I promise you that my BEST CLEAN JOKES EVER are really harmless. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are some topics that you can’t joke about in front of people you don’t know.  Certain personal beliefs, political issues, and private body parts can make people uncomfortable.  Unfortunately, some wannabe comedians can’t resist the temptation of the forbidden, and they tell tasteless jokes anyway.  A BEST TASTELESS JOKE EVER is an anecdote that focuses on a forbidden topic without getting graphic or making fun of that particular topic. 

The following anecdotes might not be the funniest tasteless jokes ever (yeah, a truly tasteless joke might not really be funny), but since these anecdotes don’t get too graphic or make fun of the forbidden topics, they are some of the BEST TASTELESS JOKES EVER! 

WARNING!  Always let people know that you’re telling a tasteless joke before you tell it.  That way, if they get offended, it’s their fault as much as yours. 

WARNING!  I’m about to tell some tasteless jokes.  If you get offended, it’s your fault too.

THE WRONG KIND OF DISCOURSE

Two groups of protesters were yelling at each other in front of a Planned Parenthood clinic.  

“You don’t have the right to judge me!” an abortion-rights (or pro-choice) activist shouted.  “If you’ve never been in my position, you can’t judge me.” 

“I can judge you!” an anti-abortion (or pro-life) protester yelled back.  “I had an abortion once, and I’ve regretted it every second since.” 

“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted. “I’ve had two abortions, and I know that I made the right decision about both of them.” 

“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back.  “I’ve had three abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.” 

“Oh yeah?” another pro-choice activist shouted.  “I’ve had four abortions, and I know each one was the right decision.” 

“Oh yeah?” another pro-life protester yelled back. “I’ve had five abortions, and I’ve regretted each one ever since.” 

The crowd stopped, shocked into silence. 

“Wait a minute,” one of the pro-choice activists shouted.  “You couldn’t have had five abortions.  You’re a man.” 

“I know,” the pro-life protesting guy admitted, slapping his forehead in frustration.  “I get so caught up when I’m arguing that I always say something stupid.”

*****

HOW MUCH DOES FREE COST?

Some college guys (an intellectual, a hunk, and a smooth talker) were sitting around in their frat house when the fraternity’s broke guy burst in.  The broke guy never had any money and because of this was never able to go out with women. 

“My losing streak is over,” the broke guy exclaimed.  “I’ve got a date tonight!” 

“What kind of woman would go out with a guy that’s always broke?” wondered the smooth talker (who also was often broke but he could smooth talk ladies into buying stuff for him). 

“She’s a birth control activist,” the broke guy said.  “She thinks the government and insurance companies should pay for birth control.  Tonight is guaranteed.” 

“The only thing guaranteed with an activist is a boring political lecture,” the smooth talker countered. 

“It’s ironic that an excursion with an advocate for free birth control has no chance of advancing toward a situation where contraceptives would actually be necessary,” the intellectual said. 

“Yeah,” the hunk said.  “Plus, she’s not going to put out.” 

The broke guy disagreed, and there was much arguing until finally they made a bet that the broke guy’s date would lead to no romantic activity.  True, the broke guy had no money, but he could wash frat house dishes for months and months if he lost. 

That night the broke guy brought the birth control activist home, and within the next few hours the entire frat house knew that the broke guy had indeed won the bet. 

The next morning after the activist had left, the intellectual, the hunk, and the smooth talker greeted the broke guy and paid him lots of money for the wager. 

“How does it feel to not be broke?” the hunk asked. 

“I agreed to pay her health care premium for this month, so I’m still broke,” the broke guy said, shaking his head.  “That free birth control was way more expensive than I thought it would be.”

THAT HURT A LOT!

A bunch of men were sitting around at a bar, and they began talking about injuries they had sustained to their groin area.  Men talked about being punched, kicked, and even bitten in the crotch, and during each story, men would cringe and groan in empathy. 

Just when the men thought that the anecdotes could get no more gruesome, a man stood up and said, “A few days ago, I was at a spa taking an eel bath for my skin, when an eel crawled into my… you know.” 

The men cringed and groaned in empathy, so much so that they forgot to ask him why he was at a spa. 

The man continued.  “I tried to pluck the eel out before he got completely inside, but he was a slippery devil, and he squirmed out of my fingers and slithered all the way up my… you know… all the way into my bladder.  The doctors performed surgery and got him out of my bladder, but at that moment when he dug into my… you know…, let me tell you, that hurt a lot.” 

The men cringed and groaned and thought that surely no one could top that story. 

“That’s nothing,” another man said.  “I got into an argument with my wife a few months ago, and while I was sleeping, she drugged me up and then she cut off my… you know… with a knife.” 

The men cringed and groaned in empathy. 

“When I woke up, I was tied to the bed, and she dangled my… you know… in front of me, and then she stuffed it into the garbage disposal.  I was still drugged up at the time, but when those drugs wore off, let me tell you, that hurt a lot.” 

The men cringed and groaned and thought that surely no one could top that story. 

“That’s nothing,” another man said dramatically.  ‘I was once a prominent Democratic politician, and I made the mistake of Tweeting a picture of my… you know… to some friends, and I accidentally sent it out publically.   I had to resign my congressional seat because of that.” 

Nobody cringed, and nobody groaned in empathy. 

One man spoke up.  “How can you compare that to the massively painful injuries that the other men here have endured?” 

“Because last night my former congressional district had a special election for my seat,” the Democratic politician said.  “And when I found out that a Republican won my congressional office, let me tell you, that hurt a lot.”

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One Comment
  1. Some good stuff. I like the second one about the broke guy.

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