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The Best Obama Jokes Ever!

June 24, 2011
With his family by his side, Barack Obama is s...

"Uh... Let me be frank... That blinding bald spot is... uh... making me forget... uh... what you just said." Image via Wikipedia

 

 

If you’re tired of the same old President Barack Obama jokes (teleprompter?  57 states?), then this page of original Obama jokes should get you through your fix.

*****

PRESIDENT OBAMA RUNS OUT OF MONEY

President Obama was dining out one night and was about to order dessert when a presidential aide whispered into his ear, “Mr. President, I apologize for interrupting, but you’re out of money.” 

“Let me be clear,” President Obama said, “that is just partisan right-wing fear mongering.” 

“No, Mr. President,” the aide continued.  “Your personal budget is out of money.  We need your permission to pull money from another part of the budget and put it into your account.” 

The president and his aide spoke of money and budgets for a few minutes, and when the aide left, Obama relaxed by watching the restaurant television.  A montage of public figures being physically assaulted was being played on a news show.  Some guy was throwing a shoe at a former president from a few years ago.  A couple political speakers got hit in the face with pies.  A couple presidential candidates from the opposing party got glitter bombed. 

As President Obama watched and grinned, he noticed a child approaching him, holding something suspicious.  Before Obama could react, Secret Service agents jumped on the child, throwing him to the floor and frisking him. 

“Why were you rushing the president?” one agent, gun drawn, said to the boy. 

“Mmmfff, rrmmmfff, bbmmmfff,” the boy said, his face mashed against the floor. 

“Mr. President, this appears to be a piggy bank,” another agent said.  He shook the piggy and added, “There seems to be money inside.” 

After agents released the child, the boy regained his composure and said to President Obama, “Mr. President, I heard that you ran out of money, and I’d like to help.”  He took his piggy bank from the Secret Service agent and gave it to the president.  “I hope this is enough to pay your bill.” 

One of the aides whispered to Obama, “Mr. President, you can’t accept money from a child.” 

“Let me be frank,” President Obama replied.  “He’s going to have to pay for my spending sooner or later, so he might as well start now.”

*****

PRESIDENT OBAMA TALKS ABOUT SACRIFICE

President Obama was speaking at a press conference in between debt ceiling negotiations with Republicans.  Compromise was uncertain, and Obama was complaining about the lack of cooperation from his political opponents. 

“Let me be clear,” President Obama said.  “I will not rest until this nation’s financial stability is… uh… secured, and that may require some… uh… sacrifice from the nation’s wealthiest who need to pay more of their fair share.” 

“Mr. President,” a reporter from FOX News spoke up.  “You talk of sacrifice, and many Americans are sacrificing right now.  Unemployed Americans looking for work are sacrificing because employers won’t hire because of economic uncertainty based on high debt.  Seniors living on fixed incomes are sacrificing because of low interest rates.  Future generations, our children and grandchildren, will sacrifice paying off this debt the federal government is accumulating.  What are you personally going to sacrifice, Mr. President?” 

President Obama nodded thoughtfully and said, “A second term?”

*****

PRESIDENT OBAMA PLAYS GOLF WITH GOD 

It had been a rough few weeks for President Obama.  The economy was bad.  Unemployment was high.  Every other week there was a new military action.  The national debt was rising at an insurmountable rate.  The First Lady was giving him grief about his smoking and eating habits.  President Obama, however, was a deep sleeper, and one night God came down from Heaven to visit Obama in his dream. 

“Hello, my son,” God said (because we are all God’s children, not because President Obama is the … Aw, never mind).  “Once during every president’s term, I come down from Heaven to give one piece of advice.  In this way, I show my love for the United States because it is truly dear to my heart, more so than any other country.” 

“Uh, I appreciate your intent, God, but, let me be clear, I am trying to sleep,” Obama said, confused by this conversation with God. 

“Every president has accepted my advice, even President Bush,” God said.  “You would be wise to ask me one question and follow my advice carefully. 

Obama was puzzled.  “So a few years ago when George Bush said he spoke with you, he was telling the truth.” 

“Yes,” God said.  “It is wise to follow my advice, but it is also sometimes prudent not to announce that you are following my advice.” 

“Very well, then.  I shall ask you for advice,” Obama said, thinking.  “How can I improve my golf game?” 

“What?” God responded with incredulity.  “With all the problems that the United States has right now, you have the audacity to ask me about your golf game?” 

“Let me be frank,” Obama said.  “When you have gotten punched in the face and had your teeth knocked out, when you’ve been kicked in the testicles and hit on the head with a folding chair, it takes a little while to recover.  I’ve got this.  Now, are you going to help me with my golf game or not?” 

God watched Obama’s swing and gave a few pointers, but Obama’s golf ball still ended up in the sandpits or knocked birds out of the sky (that always amused God but only in dreams because the birds weren’t real and didn’t actually get hurt).  Finally, though, God had seen enough. 

“Are you certain that you want to use my wisdom to improve your golf game?” God asked. 

“Yes,” Obama said with confidence in his voice.  “Please tell me how I may improve my golf game.” 

“Cheat better,” God said, and then disappeared. 

“That was odd,” Obama said when he woke up.  He turned to his wife Michelle and explained how he had spoken with God in his dream.  When he told her about getting advice about golf, Michelle became upset. 

“With all that’s going on right now, you ask him to improve your golf game?” the First Lady said.  “That was incredibly selfish of you.” 

“What should I have requested?” Obama asked, genuinely surprised at his wife’s reaction. 

Michelle said, “You should have asked him for the best place to go on vacation this summer.”

*****

PRESIDENT OBAMA VISITS THE FIRST SCHOOL NAMED AFTER HIM 

A few months into his administration, President Obama decided to visit the first elementary school named after him, Barack H. Obama Elementary.   He was understandably proud and knew the children (and maybe even the teachers and administrators) would be excited to see him visit. 

As the presidential motorcade rolled up to the school, Obama noticed that the Obama hope flag was flying level next to the United States flag, and that made him happy. 

As Obama and his entourage entered the school, he saw artistic posters of his image all over the school walls, and that made him happy. 

As Obama entered the school library, he saw that a whole row of books was devoted to his two memoirs, and that made him happy. 

As Obama entered the cafeteria, he saw food preparation staff steaming vegetables and inspecting fresh fruit for the children to eat and nourish themselves, and that made him happy (or at least made the first lady happy). 

As Obama entered the school auditorium, he heard students chanting “Obama!  Obama!” and then heard the school choir sing a hymn of Obama’s praises, and this made him happy. 

Then just as Obama was beginning his speech to the children, the students began a unified prayer.  At first he thought maybe the prayer was directed at him, but then he realized that the kids were actually praying to God, and this did not make President Obama happy. 

Obama turned to the school’s principal and said, “Don’t you know that a led prayer at a public school is unconstitutional?” 

“Yes, Mr. President,” the administrator stammered.  “I think it’s a spontaneous prayer, and they’re only doing it today because you’re here.” 

Obama was relieved.  “Uhhhhh, let me be clear, then.  These students are praying for my safety.” 

“No, Mr. President.  They’re praying that you won’t talk too long.”

MICHELLE OBAMA EATS AT A FAST FOOD RESTAURANT 

*****

First Lady Michelle Obama walked into a fast food place and saw a guy sitting by himself eating an unhealthy meal with a huge burger, large fries, a large soda, and lots of pies.  She sat next to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, sir, but none of this food is healthy.  Don’t you know that you’re killing yourself by eating all of this?” 

The man was stunned because the first lady was sitting next to him and she wasn’t wearing anything tacky. 

When he recomposed himself, he realized that Michelle Obama was maligning his meal, and he became defensive. 

“Mrs. First Lady, I voted for your husband, but if there’s one thing that I can’t stand, it’s a busybody butting into other people’s business.  What I eat is no concern of yours, and if I want to eat a combo meal at a fast food place, let me enjoy my combo meal at a fast food place.” 

“How can you enjoy that?” the first lady asked.  “It’s all fat and grease.” 

“Have you ever tried it before?” the man responded.  When Michelle shook her head, the man continued, “Well, then you need to.  You can’t criticize something if you haven’t tried it.” 

“Wait!” Michelle whispered.  “I can’t be seen eating a big hamburger like that.  Make sure they break the hamburger up and put it in a salad container.” 

The man smiled and placed the order at the counter.  The man clarified, “And please crumble the hamburger into a salad container and cover it up with lettuce.” 

When the man said this, the cashier called back to the manager in the back, “Michelle Obama is here again!”

From → Best Jokes Ever!

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